Mommy:  Never Forget This and Always Find Your Strength

Life gets hard sometimes doesn’t it!  It will make you question everything.  The beauty of it all is that everything you need to overcome this moment is right within you.  Let me take you down a trip through my memory lane.  I promise you mommy, if you never forget this you will always find your strength.

The Dream and The Goal

Growing up in a home that expects you to always be striving for perfection is a huge pressure for any child.  When you’re a child with a defiant soul, well…the pressure reaches a higher level.  I was a child with a defiant soul.  I questioned everything.  Simple answers did not exist for me.

My mind made connections to anything it could and ultimately connected to everything.  Nothing was just black and white for me.  I loved this quality about myself because the possibilities were endless.  However, my dad on the other hand, wasn’t really excited about this quality.  He was always answering the “but why” question times five.  

Needless to say, I learned how to quiet my defiant soul and control my curiosity.  I looked forward to the day I could go to college and expand my knowledge and where my curiosity would be appreciated.  That was a dream and goal for my life.  One that ended up making me an excellent scholar.  

The Upset

The goal for my life was so motivating that it became natural to study and progress.  I loved it!  That was until one day when I received acceptance to a Christian college in Florida.  I was ecstatic.  I couldn’t even talk.  I ran to my dad and I showed him the letter.  The expectation was a hug and a “I’m so proud of you”.  That did not happen.

Instead I learned that my father would not allow me to go to a college out of state.  I pleaded but there was no changing his mind.  Every hope of escaping the life of limitations and control came crashing down.  I was sad, upset, and angry.  Let’s just say the defiant soul within me took over.  Education had lost its importance.

The Turning Point  

Up until that point, I had no interest in boys or relationships with them.  Relationships seemed to require too much work.  I avoided them at every opportunity.  However, there no longer existed anything else to do.  I decided I would date and I would date without restrictions.  I could care less about what my father thought anymore.

This was the turning point in my teen life.  I dated but everyone was so uninteresting.  I then questioned if I was weird because everyone else’s thoughts were so different from mine.  So it comes to no surprise that when I did finally meet someone that was interesting to me, I fell hard.  It was an attraction like no other.  But like many teen loves, it ended as fast as it had started.  And I was okay with it.

I was confident that my original assessment that relationships were too much was always correct.  What was unexpected and threw me for a loop was finding out a month later that I was pregnant.  I was 17 and pregnant!  And I had just broken up with my boyfriend weeks before finding out.

What the hell was I going to do?

Please Help Me!

The reality that surged through my entire fabric of being was surreal.  I had no other option but to tell my parents.  My mom and dad divorced when I was 12.  Which in this situation made it twice as difficult.  I dreaded each moment.  It felt as if I was going into the courthouse to receive my sentence.

When you don’t know what to do, who do you turn to?  Your parents, right.  My mom recommended I have an abortion and my dad simply told me I threw my life in the gutter.  I let my dad know what my mom had suggested.  He was very upset.  Dad would help me so I wouldn’t have an abortion, but I had to go to church and follow the rules.  

After my mom found out that I could still live with my dad.  She decided that she would let me live in her apartment, but the baby was entirely my responsibility.  And the ex-boyfriend, he backed out completely.  I could understand all of the reactions.  Either way I had a life changing decision to make.

Thankfully, my defiant soul kicked in and decisions were made.  I was determined to have the baby!  I had 9 months to get my shit together and figure it out.  I lived with dad and went to church and did what I knew how to do best – be the perfect daughter, flawed now but still perfect as long as I followed the rules.  Mom had her own things going on anyways so why complicate things more.

The Most Pain and Joy Ever Felt

OMG, labor, what a terrifying experience!  Pure excruciating pain the entire time.  All you can do is wonder when it will end.  And pray that it ends soon because you question how much energy you will have left to puuush.  Then fear floods in questioning if you can push or what if you have to have surgery?

Then the moment comes when you hear your little one cry and feel his warm little body against yours and all of the pain, doubt and fear mysteriously disappear.  It can only be explained like a true miracle.  At that moment, I understood life.  

The Light Shines

Giving birth was very similar to living life.  There are so many changes happening and so much pain, but at the end of it all it was all worth it.  Why?  Because it was all to create a life so brilliantly beautiful.  Many things flashed through my mind at that moment.  

I promised myself I would provide this tiny blank canvas with a lifetime of wonderful memories and unconditional love.  I had a huge responsibility.  I was now a mom.  Mom.  The word didn’t come with true understanding until that moment.  The light shines in the most challenging times.

The Transformation

From that day forward there was a transformation within me that only can be understood by moms.  It’s like a higher power comes down in that specific moment and blesses you with unimaginable strength to endure anything.  Why?  Because that higher power knows you will endure and sacrifice more than any person can imagine, even you.  

Can you think back to all the moments that you wanted to quit?  Why did you go on?  There is a fighter within you that only you know.  My defiant soul saved me more times than I would like to admit.  However, when I became a mom the defiance now had a new purpose.

When life gets hard, because it does.  As quitting and giving up seem tempting.  When, “I can’t” is all that goes through my mind.  I always remember the moment of labor and how excruciating it was and how from one moment to the next it all disappeared when I saw the brilliance of my child; what I created.  

The Reminder

When life becomes questionable mommy, never forget this and you will always find your strength.  I am fully aware that everyone’s experience is entirely different.  But the journey is usually the same.  The reality of becoming a mother and all of the doubts and fears that accompany it.  The turning point where everything changes.  The changes are so many you seem to forget who you are.  The pains of labor and the relief of when your child is born.  And the miracle of when nothing else matters.  So much so that everything else is forgotten.  The strength to overcome the most excruciating of circumstances is within you.  

If you don’t believe me, just recall when you had your first child.  The reminder will be there to empower you.

A mom is made up of nothing other than beauty, brilliance, and strength all in one.

Tell Me All About It

I would love to hear the lessons you learned when you first became a mom.  Please feel free to share your story in the comments below. Or if this has helped you in any way please share.